When You Want Sex and Your Partner Doesn’t - Restoring Balance to Your Relationship

I’ve had many clients over the years who find themselves in relationships that are sexually out of balance. One partner wants sex the other partner doesn’t. It’s amazing how much stress something like this can put on the relationship.

The partner who wants sex and is rebuffed ends up feeling rejected and the rejecting partner can end up feeling guilty and angry and wanting sex even less.

This issue is more common than most of my clients in this situation realize. Part of the issue is that they think they’re the only ones to have faced this problem and some go years without ever discussing it to anyone.

I’ve noticed that this issue is particularly true of couples with young children. The woman may spend all day having children touching her and surrendering her personal boundaries to the needs of her kids for affection and touch. Then when her husband goes to touch her she flinches or pulls away.

The husband not being touched all day by his kids, has no clue as to what is going on and jumps right into a state of rejection. Why does my wife not enjoy physical intimacy any more? What am I doing wrong? Why has everything changed?

Communication is the key to restoring balance to any relationship. In the above example it is helpful for the wife to share what it is like to have little ones tugging and pulling and hugging and grabbing all day long. This creates a dialogue and an opportunity for both partners to discover a way to ignite passion and over come the over touch experience created by the kids.

With all issues in a relationship communication is the answer. But talking about sex can be embarrassing, awkward, and difficult for many couples. I encourage my clients to keep a sense of humor as they explore sexual issues with their partner. It doesn’t have to be heavy. Being able to laugh especially about your own issues is often a really healthy approach to the topic.

Good sex is about sharing pleasure and passion. Yet so many of my clients have no real idea of how exactly to pleasure their partners. They don’t know what turns their partners on, only what turns them off. They don’t know their partners fantasies, the type of touch they prefer, or how to really give them pleasure. Most couples in my practice with sexual issues in their relationship don’t even talk about such things.

The first step here is knowing what you want, like and need from a sexual relationship. Sex is best when it is a little selfish. Many people find that what turns them on the most is experiencing their partner lost in passion and ecstasy. In order to be lost in passion and ecstasy one must put their own needs first. With sex it is possible for both couples to do this at the same time. When they do, the intensity of the experience is off the charts.

My parents who are both Certified Hypnotherapists have devoted an entire chapter of their book, “The Art of Relationship, The New Perspective” to helping couples discover their sexual passion and communicate it to each other.

They advice couples to explore sensuality rather than sexuality and have three interesting exercises to help each person discover what “turns them on” and how to communicate that to his or her partner.

Many of my clients have followed my parents exercises and I’ve watched it improve their relationships and help restore the sexual desire balance. But many also encounter guilt and shame so strong that it keeps them from even reading the chapter.

I’ve found that in order to really enjoy any pleasure it helps to let go of guilt and shame. For years now I’ve been leading groups and individual clients through a shame release process. I call it “The Pleasure Trip” and I’ve recently recorded the process so that anyone can begin to free themselves from guilt and shame.

Releasing guilt and shame around pleasure and sex makes communicating with a partner effortless and easy. Sex is natural. Sex is beautiful. Sex is the ultimate act of creation. We are most god like when we are being sexual. If any of these words offend you, or push your buttons, then perhaps there is some shame to release.

Once your really get that you have a right to feel intense pleasure and sexual passion, that such feelings are natural, normal and delightful, you can begin creating a healthy balanced harmonious relationship with a partner.

Before you dive into a sexual conversation with your partner, it can be helpful to start by getting to know what things in general bring your partner pleasure. What is his favorite color, favorite food, favorite texture? What sort of sounds set of pleasure deep inside of her?

Sex is just one way of sharing pleasure in a relationship. Get creative. There are thousands of ways we can make love to our partners that have nothing to do with sex. Making love can be about sharing pleasure. For the partner who loves clean and organized spaces, house cleaning can be an act of love making.

Sexual desire imbalances are often symptomatic of a relationship out of balance. It may seem like it is about sex, but often times the more we work on these issues, the real issues begin to emerge. Again communication is the key.

Life Coaching, Hypnotherapy, Emotional Freedom Technique and Self Hypnosis recordings can all be tools for improving communication, getting in touch with real passion, wants and needs, and uncovering the real issues beneath the imbalance.

Please note that my experience with couples is as a coach and Hypnotherapist not as a Psychotherapist or Marriage Counselor. Many of my clients also seek out Marriage Family Therapists and use Hypnotherapy and Life Coaching in conjunction with their regular therapy not as a substitute.

As with all blog entries your feed back and ideas on this topic are more than welcome.

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